How Unresolved Childhood Wounds Show Up at Work
Nobody escapes childhood without trauma — in fact, trauma can be a lot more subtle than we realize, coming from feeling a lack of connection, disapproving, neglectful or suffocating parents, bullying from siblings, family or peers, breakup or divorce, feeling misunderstood or alone, rejection, failure at school or work, unrealistic expectations or societal values which we cannot live up to.
A few symptoms of trauma include:
Difficulty concentrating
Emotional overwhelm
Irritability
Loss of interest
Feeling numb
Shame
Feeling hopelessness
Worthlessness
Chronic pain
Anxiety
Depression
Mistrust
Hyper vigilance
Panic attacks
Addictions
Headaches
Self-destructive behavior
Feeling unreal
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Lack of ambition
Overambition
At work, this can look like:
Lack of confidence
Slower to, or neglectful of, answering emails
Lack of responsiveness to mounting deadlines and pressure
Tiredness; feeling run down from lack of quality sleep
Unexplainable low energy; feeling drained and fatigued
Apathetic or “meh” approach to work (Adam Grant aptly coins this “languishing” — check out his awesome TED Talk)
Inability to tolerate conflict
Inability to acknowledge others’ feelings
Feeling victimized by what others do
Taking on the rescuer role / being the savior
Being the angry / aggressive personality
Overly fearful perspective about things that are new or different
Uncomfortable taking risks
Difficulty being vulnerable with your feelings
Not speaking up for yourself or expressing your needs
Not voicing frustration until reaching an extreme place emotionally, then blowing up
Passive-aggressive behavior
Sense of sick loyalty — accepting toxic environments longer than is healthy
Sensitivity to / receiving feedback poorly
Perfectionist behavior
Not setting boundaries around work
Inability to “turn off”
Losing yourself in work life
Practicing therapeutic somatic bodywork years ago, I worked with patients affected by trauma — in their relationships, at work, with fellow team members, in their relationship with self and with their faith in their Higher Power or sense of purpose in the world. What I witnessed was that trauma held and stored in our tissues for years and years without a person having any awareness of it, can have a sudden release which might look like physical twitching, a sensation of heat, spontaneous uncontrollable laughter, crying and tears, anger or other emotions which are inappropriate for the experience they’re facing.
Our inner state is more of a mystery than we might realize. And we all have a lot more going on in there than we can see.
If we want to be making the best choices at work and support ourselves and our teams to do our best work together, we can start by getting curious about and becoming aware of what’s going on in our internal world.
What Drives You?
Our true motivation for doing what we do hides quiet and undisturbed under layers of invisible programming we hardly ever take the time to notice.
We are truly aware of just a tiny fraction of the thoughts we have each day, which are often automatic, programmed, and related to trauma we experienced in the past.
Repetitive thoughts form grooves of patterned thinking, and these ways of thinking can shape our everyday experiences at work and in our most cherished relationships. By becoming more conscious of the trauma causing these grooves controlling how we run our minds, we can begin to heal some of the problematic behavior patterns which most influence our potential.
When we see what drives us, we can unpack the patterns of trauma manipulating our behavior behind the scenes, showing up in our decisions, relationships with our team, self-talk and work habits, and what we think we think we need to do to feel worthy, loved, and valuable.
A 5-Minute Journaling Practice Before Bed to Review Your Day
How to Do it
List the basic highlights of the day. If you do this chronologically starting with the morning and ending now, or starting with what you did most recently (recalling what happened just before you read this, and before that, and before that) you get a rough skeleton of the day’s events to start with.
When did things get sticky or uncomfortable, tense? Scan the list and recall moments where you remember your body getting tense, or your mind getting anxious, stressed, judging, or you blew up or said something you maybe regretted or started to fixate on throughout the day. Make a note of anything that didn’t feel good, needs to be addressed, or things you did or said that were out of alignment with who you want to be in the world and what you stand for. (This helps me recognize where I could improve tomorrow and inspires me to make the following day better than yesterday.)
Review the goals you set for today. How did you do? When I do this, I make a check beside whatever I completed. For items I did partially but not fully, I mark “1/2” beside it. And finally, I mark “X” beside anything I didn’t get to. Anything I marked “1/2” automatically motivates me to complete it tomorrow to get that satisfaction I didn’t get to feel today, and get my list to be straight check marks tomorrow. It works great.
Write a list of goals for the tomorrow. Based on where I felt like I fell short today, I’ll write a list of goals for tomorrow to improve, adding “1/2” items to tomorrow’s list. If I notice my goals were too aggressive today, tomorrow’s goals might be more low-key to match my current state, and be achievable. This helps build more powerful momentum.
Why This Practice Is Awesome
Doing this on a regular basis has helps me make choices with my goals in mind, hold myself accountable in a purpose-driven, self-defined way, and hopefully moves me towards becoming the person I want to become.
Unintentional bonuses?
Processes any conflict that came up so it doesn’t get stored in the body — I get to let go immediately,
Helps pinpoint problem areas,
I can troubleshoot as things arise instead of when they’re too big and messy to deal with gracefully.
Clears my head — I think it helps with better sleep,
The following day, I’m able to approach decisions with more consciousness about what patterns and automatic reactions are clouding me, and can choose to commit myself to a better way forward.
In other words, I’m freed up to work not from automatic thinking and emotional reaction based on trauma patterns, but to be able to operate from a place of: What would serve to benefit my career or business better? The people I work with better? What would honor my relationship with myself? What would serve collective humanity and the planet?
As a leader, this type of introspection can create internal space for you to be more comfortable with change and make choices with greater empathy for employees to perform their best from the inside, just by showing up as your best.
Quick 2-Minute Exercise for Right Now
Think back to your childhood. What did you need to do, who did you needed to be, or what did you needed to act like for your parents to give you love, attention or positive feedback?
First look at this as it relates to your mother, then with your father. They are often a different set of patterns.
Next, look at how those same behaviors are still with you today, both in your personal relationships and in your business or work relationships.
See yourself to free yourself.
Finally…
Your capacity for positive impact and growth — in your business, your personal relationships, in your family and within yourself are direct reflections of how willing you are to see why you do what you do, and choosing to do it differently.
